Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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