The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My dad just said "fuck circus"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
