youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
