i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
