It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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