Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
