I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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