I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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