btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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