u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
