I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
