You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
