oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
