Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
