jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
