if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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