On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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