I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
