my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
