The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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