Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
