But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
