i permit you to call me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
