Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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