i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize