i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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