hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Drunk is not a location!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize