we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
