if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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