I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
