It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
