I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
