There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize