Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
