Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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