My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
