I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
