is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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