the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
