I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
