sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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