Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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