I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
