I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
