Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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