even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
