So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
