I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
