Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
