Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
