i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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