Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
