What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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