so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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