You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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