This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
