There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
