My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
