If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
