wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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