tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
