Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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