He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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