we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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