I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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