After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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