did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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