made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
