woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
