The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
