zippers are such a cool invention
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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