it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
