he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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