U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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