i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
