I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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