I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
