You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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